Wednesday, February 27, 2002 i think i can, i think i can 1. i cannot, for the life of me, send postcards when i am on trips. ok, there have been maybe 3 miraculous occasions where people have actually received my postcards...out of maybe 30. i really try. i love sending postcards. sometimes i just send them when i get back home. just so that i can say i did send them a postcard. that counts, right? 2. i cannot, for the life of me, develop pictures on time. monday, i finally decided to develop pictures that were just lying around my room for months. i got them back today...this is just so sad. the most recent pictures were from august of 2001 - ethan's first birthday party. that's not whats sad. that's acually record time for me. the next set of pictures are from the beach with kat and bles...estimated time, i'll say summer, 1998? there are pictures from the poconos when ry's car broke down and i had to steer it into a gas station while everyone else pushed. that was summer 99. then there are pictures from las vegas, 1999, my brother's wedding. i must say, its a nice surprise to look at pictures you forgot you ever took. right now, i have 4 more rolls of mystery film that are waiting to be developed. they dont have a discription, which is why i didnt get them developed with the other rolls. last couple of days have been so so. picked up dad from the Guadalajara airport (laguardia, for all you non-friend watchers) on monday. did not get lost this time around...wonder of wonders. yesterday i was immersed in a testosterone fest of guys, chicken and beer....oh michelle, where the hell were you? 5:13 PM

Sunday, February 24, 2002 the monopoly boycott two years ago i played a game of monopoly with michelle and ed. since then, i have been traumatized. after that game, i became convinced that the two of them were insane and have refused to play with either of them ever again. this weekend, j and i hung out at her house after eating dinner at oddfellows and running up and down the aisles of international food mart looking for obscure food. i was tired, i wanted to lie down and watch some tv. but then, someone got the bright idea of playing monopoly. i was weak-willed, i should have said no. but i relented. and i started off badly, no surprise. but then i actually got parkplace and boardwalk. my key to monopoly is to get all the railroads. that's where the money is. so, i start building on my property. one house. two houses. three houses. i had a ridiculous amount of money and i figured i could only profit by improving my property. but its not like i was being an ass actually charging them the full amount. i cut michelle a break when she didnt have enough money. i just took one property from her. and when i won the pot from free parking, i gave each of them $100. but when i had to pay j $14 for rent, he wouldnt even spot me a dollar. unbelievable. so i told him, fine, if you are going to be that way, dont expect me to be nice to you the next time. and he didnt care. every time i came around near his property, he put more houses and hotels. and when i would land on them, he would gloat. michelle eventually went broke and then it was just me and j. and i was out for blood because he was being such an ass. i think i actually saw red at one point. i tried to play the game nice, but afterwards, as i was screaming at j about what an ass he was, he reminded it, "its a game. cant play nice and win." i thought i did. with michelle anyway. michelle, i apologize for blaming you for boycotting monopoly. it wasnt you after all. you arent insane. i think monopoly makes people insane. which is my new reason for boycotting it. 7:00 PM

Friday, February 22, 2002 my need for lists i have a fascination with lists. when i broke up with evil exboyfriend #3, i wrote down a list of every wrong thing he had ever done to me and i relayed this information to him over the phone. that way, i didnt forget any important details. it makes an impact...just dont make it seem like youre reading something off a piece of paper. then you'll just end up sounding like a moron. i write down lists of things i have to get at cvs, at the mall, at the grocery (who am i fooling, when was the last time i was at the grocery?)...but you get the picture. i have a 'to do' list for each day...if even one thing gets accomplished, my day was not in vain. i do this, in part, because of my fading memory. i realize that when i speak, my thoughts are not as quick as if i write them down first. which would probably stem from study habits reaching far back into grammar school. studying for tests consisted of me reading textbooks and then writing everything that ive read in order to remember it. which, if you think about it, is very time consuming. which is probably why i didnt have a life throughout my elementary and highschool education. exboyfriend #1 was the victim of my inefficient study habits. or maybe i just didnt like him. i went out with him freshman year for almost a year, broke up with him bc i became bored and then got back together with him in junior year under the delusion that things would be better. learn, people, learn from my mistakes. things dont change. no matter how hard you wish them too. i became bored of him again, but was too scared to confront him about it, so i ended up playing hide and seek with him everyday after school. i would hide myself in my books and use that as my excuse not to see him. he would call, i would say i was stuyding. he would try to pick me up from school, and i would sneak out the back door, macguyver style and joyce would come around the side entrance and i would dive into her car, duck and pray as joyce pulled out, screeching tires and all. oh, it was just sad. valentines day, he tried to pick me up, but i managed to get past him. unrelentless, he went to my house to drop off my present. i was home, but when the doorbell rang, my intuition kicked in, and i knew it was him. i told my brother to answer the door, and tell him i wasnt home yet and then i hid in his room. i heard them enter the kitchen and i think that he stayed over an hour waiting for me as i crouched on the floor in my brother's room and read my textbooks. oh, karma got me back for that one. but on the bright side, i got straight 4.0's that semester. my present from j.crew didnt arrive yesterday. boo. 11:24 AM

Thursday, February 21, 2002 telephone call, 5:22pm i just had this conversation with one of my best friends...who shall remain nameless, unless she calls me up and says otherwise. but i thought i should share this interesting tidbit. our deep and meaningful conversation went something like this: "did you watch dawson last night? "yeah." "what? you dont sound happy" meaningless banter about disliking new character, audrey... "what was the name of that guy? flaubert." for all of you that dislike, dispise, boycott or otherwise missed last night's episode, joey and her teacher end their illicit affair after he explains to her a passage from flaubert....the title of the book escapes me at the present moment. but what flaubert was basically saying was that anticipation is the purest form of happiness. and my best friend went on to draw parallels to this quote and her life. which has basically been true for the most part. so what i have to say to you now is, please, do not live your life this way. a life full of regrets is only a half life and you've got so much going for you to be scared. i was scared for a long time myself. and then i learned to just let go. and then i became really happy. and you deserve to be happier. so let go. on a side note, i realize i do not like jello. 5:32 PM

wrecked i feel shitty. hormonal imbalance. welcome back aunt flo. at the present moment, i am teeming with domesticity. i cooked myself breakfast…one perfect egg, over easy. its really the flipping part that unnerves me. i cleaned my dishes. i have been anticipating the arrival of a little present i gave myself at j.crew.com…hope that it comes today. my attempt to make it through ezpass was successful this morning. the temperature is abnormally high for this time of the year….it’s a balmy 59deg. outside. this would normally cause me to prepare for an outdoor adventure, but i had a really bad sleep last night and i feel like crap rolled over on twice. 4:13 PM

Wednesday, February 20, 2002 first blog...forgive me i feel the need to write something profound and enlightening for society: when proceeding through an ezpass toll, remember to have the ezpass detector on your windshield. failure to do so will probably result in a hefty monetary penalty which could have been avoided had dumb asses, like myself, remembered to put the thingee on the windshield. i dont usually take the thingee off the windshield, but their were circumstances that seemed to make sense to me. i parked phoebe, my car, in a suspect neighborhood where my boyfriend resides. my reasons for removing the ezpass were twofold: 1. this would make phoebe less attractive to car theives that prowl the area. 2. and a certain exgirlfriend who lives only houses away. now, i dont think that ezpass and exgirlfriend have any significance to one another, besides the fact that if she is upset with me(because i am now with her exboyfriend), she may feel compelled to chuck bricks at my windshield, thus leaving the ezpass exposed and helpless. my cheap ass should just invest in the club. which i would have been able to buy was it not for the huge fine i probably will have to pay nj toll people. to digress from the lesson of the day...lets switch to me. things i would care to divulge to the anonymous web public: i am a 20something year old graduate of rutgers college and now psuedo-employed by mater&pater while procrastinating finishing applications for grad school. while their are certain elements of my life that suck, i've got certain things i love about my life: great friends are hard to come by, i should know, considering the current drama that is my life. i know i've got a handful of true friends that would make anyone envious to have. i have got the most adorablest, squishablest nephew in the world that is currently in the genital-grabbing stage of child development. i have j. j is the reason why i have been so sickeningly happy for the last two months or so. i cant stop smiling. all drama aside, he was worth every second of it. list of threes vices 1.smoking. ive been smoking since senior year of highschool, so its been almost 6 years that ive been smoking. wow. i didnt realize. i dont smoke an indecent amount of cigarettes, but since ive been hanging out with j almost every day, my cigarette consumption has increased significantly. 2.procrastinating. its an obsession. i am addicted to it. it cant be helped. 3.fashion magazines. i have come to realize that fashion magazines serve no useful purpose in my life besides informing me of ways to relieve menstrual cramps and the such. but i still gravitate toward them in the bookstore and in cvs. i have made a resolution to stop, and so far i have been a good girl. oh, instyle, i do miss you! current daily activities 1.hanging out with j. yeah, i know. puke me. 2.eating at diners. fattening. i should put that in vices. but diners give me the chance to have my meaningful conversation, smoke my marlboro ultra lights and drink insane amounts of crappy ass coffee. and the occassional two eggs, over-easy with corn-beef hash. oh, happy day. 3.reading. i love reading. give me anything. i'll read it. novels, short stories, poems, nutrition labels, ingredients to toothpaste. books 1.prayer for owen meany, john irving. 2.catch-22, joseph heller 3.prisoners of azkaban - harry potter, jk rowling things that i annoy myself about 1.i have all these great thoughts, that i forget. my memory is lacking, as it has been so for sometime now. probably due to aging. like right now, i have this one word that i want to write....its like an aside, more like a post script...hold on...i have to call michelle. and ask her. this is driving me crazy. see i knew she'd know. disclaimer! anyway. 2.i am shy. i feel that this is a hindrance to myself. its annoying to feel uncomfortable around strangers, and i am constantly surrounded by strange people. or not even strangers, just people i am not comfortable around. which is alot of people. 3.procrastinating. i've already spoke about this. i feel the need to add a disclaimer to this journal. i am a horrible speller. to all the word nerds out there, be forwarned. i also cannot tell left from right. but that has nothing to do with anything. i just thought you should know. what pisses me off the most at this moment is the fact that this entry was previously a very detailed, well-written, thought provoking collection of my words. and when i went to post it, it said that my time had expired. wtf?! so this is the shortened, crappy summation of what was once brilliance. enjoy. 3:54 PM